Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
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[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I didn’t come here to be called names
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Okay
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.