Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
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Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Baller is short for ballerina
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest