Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
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I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me