Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops