Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
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My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour