Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
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Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
My typo game is string.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.