Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
