Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs