Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
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*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets