Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”

*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

it was love at first sight

spot the difference

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.