Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
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We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird