Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.