Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
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Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Happy birthday to all the women
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
secret recipe
I’m not average. I’m mean.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown