Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
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[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT