Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
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it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
She knows her part so well!
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Still my favourite meme.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]