Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
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Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…