Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
You Might Also Like
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together