Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
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When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I have a place for everything. The floor.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Breaking news:
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone