Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.