Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos

Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse