Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
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Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.