Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
You Might Also Like
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
These work great until they don’t.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
