Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
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just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out