Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
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Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
DOOO EEEET
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.