Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
You Might Also Like
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.