Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

dutch so unserious

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*