Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

My last name is Zilla.

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”