Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

being a writer on Twitter:

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.