Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

Okey dokey.

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in