Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
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Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore