Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
You Might Also Like
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.