Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
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My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
jesus christ confetti not now
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Boom, boom, ching!
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.