Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

Got him!

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”