Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

My patience has stretch marks.

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

How it started: How it’s going:

If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.