Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
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A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2