Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

No chill.

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

Plumber: I think I found the problem

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.