Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
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The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.