is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Real House Wines.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
