Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?

me: hey give that back 🙁

[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

her: let’s try roleplaying

me: can I be a hypochondriac?

her: you got it

me: *suddenly nervous* got what

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.