is there nothing we can trust anymore
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people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.