“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
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Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
me: hey your birthday is one day away
6yo: we just call that tomorrow
me:
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.