“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
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Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.