Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
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One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka