Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
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Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.