Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
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“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Every work meeting this week
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Finally a use for spoilers…
