Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

This woman posted her giant baby on TikTok and the Detroit Lions commented “dibs” I can’t believe we’re about to lose this app.