Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
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*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
It’s actually Dr. whatever
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?