Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
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prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!