Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
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As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.