Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
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Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Risking my life for fun.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole