Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
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ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
White Castle for the Win
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.