“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
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she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Does this dress make me look cat?
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
wtf is a larm clock?
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
From my Mom
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh