“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
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me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.