“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
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*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.