Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
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I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Don’t touch that.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.