Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
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Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”