Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same