Is this a threat?
You Might Also Like
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Please do it!
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake