Is this a threat?
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First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
when unicorns get really drunk
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.