Is this a threat?
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If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.