is this a threat
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every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
“Wait, let me explain..”
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.