is this a threat
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* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?