is this a threat
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I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%