is this a threat
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I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Worth remembering.
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Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
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If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.