Is this a threat?
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How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
That’s enough internet for the day
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Worth remembering.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Planet of the Apps.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
