Is this a threat?
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<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up