is this a warning or an offer?
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Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.