is this a warning or an offer?
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[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
People buying plungers never look happy.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Don’t tell me what to do
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Young Sheldon
Sheldon
Elder Sheldon
Sheldon on Death’s Door
ETERNAL SHELDON OF THE THIRTEEN REALMS
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤