is this a warning or an offer?
You Might Also Like
kevin is now a local weatherman
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded