is this a warning or an offer?
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Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago