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The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Sing it!
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Seems legit
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate