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I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno