Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
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Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old