Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”