Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works