Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
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amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”