Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
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Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.