is this how new cars are made??
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The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Born to be mild.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
January is lasting longer than my marriage
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.