Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

I’m not alone. I have ants.

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?