Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

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Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

Me: I need to pee

Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue